and I woke up in shock yesterday. I'll be 60 on my birthday. How'd that happen? I was only 26 when I went to bed !! Walking by the mirror was the schocker. My grandmother jumped in front of me before I could blink. I REALLLLLY haven't any idea how that happened.
June was a most terrible month. My sister died unexpectedly. She had scleroderma and a host of other problems, but she hadn't seemed bad the last time I saw her. And we had talked frequently on the phone. She called me one Saturday and said, I don't think I can make it any longer. I said, because of the medicine? She said yes, but they're cutting it back. I'm only having a pity party today, so bear with me, will you?. I said Ok, but I'd rather come up Monday. No dice, she said.. I'll be at work. So I said Ok, but there was a little niggle at the back of my mind that said, Go see her..it will shut your brain off - stop it from complaining, but niggle.....niggle...went my mind.
Of course I have a life and my husband's disabled..she DID say NO and I know she'll tell me when she needs me. I took her to the University of Michigan a couple of times for some tests which had OK results by the time I was told. Niggle.....niggle......
She died on June 22nd '06. She was 56 years old.
I live in a different state and when I was told she was dying, I immediately called the nurse's desk to see if I had time enough to make it. No. Not more than an hour, she thought.
They hunted up a telephone and called me back so I could speak with her. I said, she's alert?? Yep, so I hung up and then the phone rang.
She was alert - and coherent and we discussed what she wanted done for a funeral, who would keep an ear out for her kids. They're 21 and 19. She said they're old enough and have their father and Aunt to keep an eye on them. They'll be fine.
With shock, I realized we were having this NORMAL conversation and I said, Barb!!! This can NOT be right. You're making sense, not short of breath, NOTHING. It can NOT be right. Oh, she said, it's right. I do not think the pain medicine is working.
We spoke another minute. She said, I love you, but I need to go now. I said, I love you and hung up the phone. I was called the next morning by our good friend, Deb, who told me she had died around 4:45am - which was the time my brain settled down and I drifted to sleep.
I still have no death certificate, nothing that says "Barb", nothing to remember her by. If any of you needs a reminder, here it is. We don't get to stay here forever, so if you love them, tell them. You probably will not have the same chance that I did.
So many things change and we think, next week. and next week....niggle, niggle... And then they're gone.
Sugar.
